my van is dead.
but i have a scooter that i adore and feel way too hip on and get really cold because all i ever wear is shorts.

i've lost the most pertinent important relationships.
but i've met someone who makes me want to be healthy enough to do this right and i'm finding these things called friends and trying really hard to have social tact even though they don't mind much.

i can never seem to wake up till 1 or 2.
but i've got a job that i absolutely adore and makes me feel like i have a real home and when i'm not working here i'm hanging out here and i get paid to be a smart ass.


i'm stuck in melbourne.
but maybe that's not the worst thing in the world?

For 2009 I am holding a personal strike on consumerism, though I won't promise that it'll last more than a few days.

I went to Disney and it was magical.

I hope you understand that I want nothing more than to wrap you tight in my embrace and make everything ok and make all you dreams come true and assure that you never cry or get hurt or scared or ever worry about anything ever. I want to travel to India just to capture the sunset how you like it, to ride on the rainbow to obtain exactly the colors you love, to explore the sound waves just to grasp that which makes your ears rejoice. I want to take everything that is good and pure in the world and wrap it up and put a ribbon on top of it and hand it to you and then just watch your eyes response as you take it in. I'd do anything to see the smile in your eyes, so pure and beautiful.

I hope you know that.

Bye bye lip ring.



:[

As a young girl I had the same nightly ritual from the age of ten until after I was fourteen. Each night before bed I would go into my bathroom, lock the door, and sit down in my sink with my face only inches away from the mirror. From there I would look into my own eyes and begin to berate myself. As I would relay to my mirror image my own flaws, be them physical or mental, my eyes would quickly fill with tears. I would continue in this chant of “You are worthless, you are hideous, you are stupid” until my eyes were so filled with tears that I could no longer make out my face and only saw a large, pale, blob. Once I was done I would quietly climb down off the sink, unlock the door, and retreat to my bed where I would cry myself to sleep. For a long time this was the only thing that could get me to sleep and the habit was a hard one to break.

It’s been many years since I was at such a low state, and I have come a long way. I know now that I am beautiful, that I am precious, that I am worthwhile in every way but the memory of who I once was still haunts me. Last night was one of the many times when these memories continued to unwelcomingly appear in my head. I thought about how I would stare so intently into my own eyes and I realized that not since that young age have I looked into them. With this realization I decided to try out a little experiment. Before going to bed I would once again go into the bathroom, lock the door, sit in the sink, only inches from the mirror, and stare into my own eyes. But this time I would repeat to myself positive truths about who I am.

The results of this test were far from what I expected, if not a little terrifying. For starters, I couldn’t look into my own eyes for more than ten seconds without starting to cry. I don’t know why, all it was were my eyes, a part of me that I use daily and have seen many times. Yet, to look into them, to really look into them was painful and heartbreaking for reasons completely unknown to me. I thought that perhaps the positive affirmations would help but as I attempted to say the simple words “You are beautiful” the last refused to come out. No matter how long I sat there and stared into my own eyes, no matter how much I tried to convince myself, the furthest I was able to get was “You are beau…”

I suppose this should make me worry about myself, which it does to a degree. But more importantly then that, this makes me so deeply worry for our world.

I meet the most amazing people. People who are beautiful, wonder, intelligent, and talented. But so few of these people ever believe these truths about themselves. At a young age the world takes a hold of them and fills their minds with lies, that they are not worthy, they are stupid, they are hideous. These people, these amazing amazing people look into the mirror and see something so distorted from what they truly are.

Sometimes it seems the best thing I can possibly do is go to each person I love, grab their face in my hands, and stare into their eyes telling them the truth that is their beauty and uniqueness. I don’t know what else to do. Because even I, who knows with such certainty that I am good and beautiful and lovely and worthy seem to deeply and subconsciously still be bombarded by the hate that I once felt from the world around me.

In a perfect world I would follow behind every person in life and for every time someone breaks their spirit or degrades them I would run to them, take them in my arms and say they are beautiful and amazing, five times over. But clearly this is impossible and I am nothing more than a dreamer.

I just want to say that if you look in the mirror at night and hate what you see, if you believe the world when they tell you their lies, it’s not true. I am constantly astounded by the people I meet and the potential and greatness that each of them hold. For each person, I wish so badly that you could see it. I want more than anything for to be able to station yourself in front of a mirror, stare into your eyes, and say without hesitation “You are beautiful”.

Because you ARE beautiful.

I need an aquarium!


So if anyone knows where I can get one cheap, or has one I can have, or so on please please please let me know.

I've only just started but here's what I've got so far


2008 reading list (in no particular order)
-A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius; Dave Eggers
-Slaughterhouse Five; Kurt Vonnegut
-Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim; David Sedaris
-The Female Thing: Dirt Sex Envy and Vulnerability; Laura Kipnis
-Mein Kampf; Adolf Hitler
-Jesus for President: Politics for Ordinary Radicals; Shane Claiborne
-The New Friars: The Emerging Movement Serving the World's Poor; Scott A. Bessenecker
-This Beautiful Mess: Practicing the Presence of the Kingdom of God; Donald Miller and Rick McKinley
-Sellevison; Augusten Burroughs
-Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's; John Elder Robinson
-Survivor; Chuck Palahnuik
-Invisible Monsters; Chuck Palahnuik
-Dawn; Elie Wiesel
-Eyewitness Auschwitz: Three Years in the Gas Chambers; Filip Muller


Anything else?

Last night I was with some friends leaving downtown Orlando. As we drove down the busy street bustling with people going from one club to the next a group of people stood at the corner of one of those streets holding signs with statements such as "Hell is waiting for you" and the ever classic "Repent". One man even held a megaphone and announced into it the damned fate that awaited all of us "sinners".
Only slightly further down that street, no more than 30 feet away was a whole different sight. Tucked under the entry of an upper class mens clothing store as to keep away from the busy people making their way down the sidewalk lay a homeless man. His clothes were tattered and dirty, he was without a pillow or blanket and held himself tightly attempting to shut his eyes and ignore the world around him at the pursuit of sleep.

I found myself in awe of these two scenes unfolding before my eyes. I was automatically filled with a thousand new emotions. Guilt, hurt, anger, resent, but above all else, heart break. My eyes filled to the brim and it took all my strength to not to burst into tears, run out of the car and do something equally wrong in a moment of uncontrollable anger.

Where do I begin? How do I even start to express all the words in my heart right now? Why yes, the way I ought to every single day.

I am sorry, for everything. I take the blame here and now. I am sorry for everything my "people" have ever done. For the hurt we've caused, for the scars we've instilled, for the unrighteous anger we have taken out on you. For the horrible misrepresentation of a man so beautiful, so loving, so everything we haven't been.

Because I can no longer defend this culture, this religion, because there is nothing right about it. I am tired of running behind every arrogant zealot, every hurtful preacher, and above anything else, every apathetic Christian(myself included) and say "We meant the best, we just get it mixed up, I promise we'll be better next time". No, no more of that. It is simple and straight this time, I am sorry.

It breaks my heart every day that Jesus Christ is associated with the word "Christian". It breaks my heart even more that such a thing breaks my heart. But it's true, if the world instead of experiencing Christians experienced Jesus, things would be so much better.

I can't wrap my head around it, I can't see why we do things so incorrectly. Isn't it clear that in that earlier description Jesus' reaction would have been to lay down next to the homeless man? To find him a blanket and a meal, to earnestly and passionately love him, with no agenda or discrimination.

But we instead, find it so much easier to sit on our high horses and judge all those who fail us. We decide to ignore those who really need our love the most. We shrug off the impoverished saying that it's their own fault. We ignore the heartbroken suggesting that they brought it upon themselves. Instead we lock ourselves in our churches, praise one another for being so righteous, and wonder why the world doesn't follow Jesus as we do?

I would never, ever, follow the Jesus that we are showing people.

But the Jesus the church portrays is NOT accurate! Jesus was friends with the members of society who were hated the most and never passed judgment on them. Jesus never took more than he needed. Hell, Jesus was homeless!

Being white, middle class americans just don't suffice as an excuse. Being a product of a consumer nation doesn't mean it's ok. Just because you can afford to be apathetic and cozy, doesn't mean you should.

I don't know what more I can say, I don't know what I can say to make it better. I am just tired of this, I'm tired of us, I'm tired of hoping that the world will see the real Jesus and not the disgusting model we have designed.


I know that I am as at fault as anyone else but the key is knowing it, the key is changing that. The key is getting out of the car, and stop my hypocritical desire to yell at and reprimand that group but instead getting out of that car, learning the homeless mans life story, becoming his friend, loving him, and laying down next to him.

The key is love. Real love, passionate love, love without an agenda, unjudgmental love, Jesus Love.

listen you me babydoll.
you quit that yapping.


new livejournal. who knows what might happen. the old one was so bogged down with the last 5 or so years of filth. 
here's to five more.



add me because it's friends only, sorry boo.